Slipping

I feel myself slipping back into my old routines. My mom and I aren't getting along again and I feel as though I can't cope. Food is something that is so easy to avoid and I know if I refuse to give my body what it needs, then I am punishing myself in one of the worst ways possible. I know it's bad, but I deserve it. Honestly, I don't get what's so wrong with my desicion, everyone keeps making such a big deal about how sickly I looked before. But for some reason, I don't find that I looked sickly, I looked fat. Absolutely disgusting and horribly fat, that's how I looked. Treatment didn't even help, I don't even see why I needed to go, it sure didn't change my perspective on anything. Perhaps maybe someday they will understand my perspective on things. It's not like I can stop voices from entering my mind and calling me worthless, fat, a waste of time and space, useless, etc. Maybe this is odd, but I don't mind the taunts, it gives me the motivation to carry on. Summer is coming and I want to become a model. My dad is going to sign me up for a few interviews and such. It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll pay off in the future, I know it will. Everyone is so worried that going into a modeling industry will trigger me to slip back into anorexia. Why the heck do they keep insisting that I have anorexia, I don't think I have a problem. Sure I want to lose weight and think I'm fat, but I'm sure everyone else has thoughts like that too. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment after school. I'm going to weigh myself tonight to see how much water I'll need to drink in order to make it seem like I'm maintaining my weight, I'm supposed to stay between 131 and 134. I like how I'm the only one who knows what's going on and everyone else is a puppet controlled by strings and facades. They only believe what they see, they never question what is behind the facade. Unless, of course, they have either suffered the undesirable consequences of facing their inner monsters and the torments of their peers. A person who undergoes these undesired turn of events is the person who notices every wrong and grimmicing act of motion in others. Sometimes I consider myself one of these persons for I find it very easy to see through others' mental barriers and troubles. I think I shall stop here. I've said all I need to for the day.

Farewell for now,
♥Maxine