Slipping

I feel myself slipping back into my old routines. My mom and I aren't getting along again and I feel as though I can't cope. Food is something that is so easy to avoid and I know if I refuse to give my body what it needs, then I am punishing myself in one of the worst ways possible. I know it's bad, but I deserve it. Honestly, I don't get what's so wrong with my desicion, everyone keeps making such a big deal about how sickly I looked before. But for some reason, I don't find that I looked sickly, I looked fat. Absolutely disgusting and horribly fat, that's how I looked. Treatment didn't even help, I don't even see why I needed to go, it sure didn't change my perspective on anything. Perhaps maybe someday they will understand my perspective on things. It's not like I can stop voices from entering my mind and calling me worthless, fat, a waste of time and space, useless, etc. Maybe this is odd, but I don't mind the taunts, it gives me the motivation to carry on. Summer is coming and I want to become a model. My dad is going to sign me up for a few interviews and such. It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll pay off in the future, I know it will. Everyone is so worried that going into a modeling industry will trigger me to slip back into anorexia. Why the heck do they keep insisting that I have anorexia, I don't think I have a problem. Sure I want to lose weight and think I'm fat, but I'm sure everyone else has thoughts like that too. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment after school. I'm going to weigh myself tonight to see how much water I'll need to drink in order to make it seem like I'm maintaining my weight, I'm supposed to stay between 131 and 134. I like how I'm the only one who knows what's going on and everyone else is a puppet controlled by strings and facades. They only believe what they see, they never question what is behind the facade. Unless, of course, they have either suffered the undesirable consequences of facing their inner monsters and the torments of their peers. A person who undergoes these undesired turn of events is the person who notices every wrong and grimmicing act of motion in others. Sometimes I consider myself one of these persons for I find it very easy to see through others' mental barriers and troubles. I think I shall stop here. I've said all I need to for the day.

Farewell for now,
♥Maxine

My Life

I was born April 7, 1997. I started walking when I was 10 months and also started talking. My mom and I were extremely close up until I was about 5 years of age (the age at which we started fighting a lot). She wanted me to be perfect just like my sister (according to her my sister was an angel). I wanted to live up to her expectations, all I wanted was for her to love me. Everything i did was put into a specific order and had to be done in a specific way. Clothes had to be put in order by color and type. By the time I was in fifth grade everything I did was put into a schedule.This was the year my mom began working hours upon hours a week. She was never around, and when she was, he always told me she was too busy to talk. I felt ignored and alone. I became severely depressed during that time due to the fact that my mom told me I was: worthless, couldn't do anything right, was a waste of her time, should have never been born, am a lazy pile, need to get off my ass and do something. So, one night while I was having a breakdown it dawned on me that I had a razor in my drawer and I decided that maybe if I could cause myelf enough physical pain, maybe it would drown out the mental pain. It only took one tiny break in my skin and I was addicted to the feeling. Sure it stung, but it gave me a sick high. At first I didn't cut too often because I was scared people would notice, but after 6 to 7 months I began cutting daily. In seventh grade someone found out and told the counselor. She was a nosy lady and really got on my nerves. I told her I only cut when I felt the need to and she said she understood, end of story, I continued doing it. My grades started slipping little by little and my mom and step-dad started noticing, I stopped caring. They would scream at me and demand that: I get my act together, work harder, join more sports, start giving a shit about things, learn that not everything revolves around me, stop trying to get attention, etc... I was worn out by demands and in eighth grade i transferred schools because people at my old school made fun of me for my weight and ethnicity. Since I'm asian everyone at my school decided that I should be smart and was a disgrace to my race. Eighth grade was definately the worst year of my life. I sat with the "popular girls" for the first two weeks, but they grew tired of me and stopped talking to me, apparently I was too boring for their taste. After that, I sat with "the rejects" (also known as the two girls rejected by the populars). They were nice but they were way too hyper and happy all the time, it annoyed me. I got tired of them and decided to sit with four other girls who seemed fairly nice, however, they were complete bitches. They talked and I listened, evidently that wasn't enough to stay in their group. The leader said I was a drag and asked that I not sit at their table the next day, of course I moved. I started purging in September of that year, but ot tired of the routine and tried to stop, it only worked for a while. During December of that year I decided I wanted to go on a diet just to drop a few pounds becuase I thought I would make the other girls jealous and want me in their groups again. I didn't know that this would soon be the worst mistake of my life. Junk food wasn't a huge part of my life so I decided that that would be the first thing I should cut out. It was innocent at first, but I gradually began cutting out foods that contained carbs and fats. Soon afterwards I began exercising. It was a minimum of 30 minutes, then 45 minutes, an hour, 2 hours, 4 hours, 6 hours (2 hours after each meal). I reduced my calories from 1500 to 1300, 1200 to 1000, 800 to 500, and 500 and below. It got so bad at one point that I wouldn't even eat for two days and if I did it had to be less than 500 cals a day. I ate sugary foods when the hunger became unberable. I would eat gummy worms, licorice, dots, anything that was high in sugar. I know that people with anorexia are expected not to eat, but hey, it was sugar and sugar kept me on a high wire. Gradually I started to lose my mind. I would have dreams of binging (eating more than a normal amount of food at once), I would exercise to the point where I would feel like fainting. After a while I didn't sleep at all and I was always exhausted and cold. In an extremely sick way, I loved it. I became irritable and snapped at anyone who tried talking to me. People say that people with eating dsiorders such as anorexia and bulimia become hungry after starving themselves/ binging and purging. I however did not get hungry. At first i did, but after a few months I stopped getting hungry. I am now in  nninth grade and just got out of treatment a week ago on Wednesday, my mom caught me purging (inducing the urge to vomit unnaturaly, in this case I was using my fingers).  I'm slipping back into the routine again and in a really twisted way, I am loving it.